I guess the question is why...

Why do I do this to myself? I want two different things and both ultimately make me happy and sad. Sound confusing? Welcome to my brain.

Today is the return date for my knitting group that I started. I started it because I wanted to have a group of people in my circle who like to do the same things I do. A group who won't look at me funny because I've always got knitting in my purse... that reminds me, I need to start a new project since I finished Pokey's socks... anywho... I wanted to find a few kindred spirits in this world who loved to play with yarn.

And...

I want to stay home. I don't like being surrounded by people I don't know and forced to be "on stage". My social anxiety plays a number on me inside, all the while I'm smiling and working on not passing out from fear or crying. My heart is racing. My mind is running a mile a minute and foggy all at the same time. Eye contact, oh for the love of Mickey please don't make me have to make eye contact with these folks. I don't know them!

But...

If I go, since I am the one who created the group after all, I will soon be surrounded by friends. People that I will look forward to seeing and hearing about their lives. It's down to once a month and it's on a Friday in the early evening. It couldn't be at a better time. Honestly, it won't be as bad I fear and they are probably just as nervous about it all as I am.

And yet...

I want to bail. I can stand knitting alone. I have all my friends on Ravelry to keep me company. I can talk to them while I knit. I've done it. We have even had hangouts and Skype knit nights. It was comfortable and fun.

So why... why do I put myself through this? I know I promised to do one thing a month that scared the stuffing out of me and brought me out of my comfort zone. This would qualify every time. I don't know why I inflict such things on myself. Probably because I know my social anxiety is illogical but I also know that logic doesn't play a part it at all. It's illogical to set up a group that you're afraid to go to but I did it anyway.

I guess the only reason is because I am afraid... I'm afraid of being a person who can't leave their house because "people". I'm afraid of being lonely and not having any friends who share my interests. I'm afraid of allowing the comfort of not going somewhere become a fear of going anywhere... and so, I'm afraid I'm going to head out the door to meet the group.

Wish me luck!

Because every post should have something yarny and delicious... My Fading Pines Shawl test knit and coloring book.