My gracious!

What a week it has been. The first week back from a vacation is always hard but this one has seemed abundantly so, for various reasons. Some I can share, some I can share in time, and some I may just need to allow to slip away with time because they don't hold any value - to me or you, as there is no lesson to be learned or shared. They were just moments of nastiness that happen and it is always best to just let them go and not allow them to sink in and become a part of the fabric of your soul.

I had a lovely surprise on Monday this week - an unexpected day off! I must have known that I was going to need an extra to recuperate because I headed in to work at 5 am and did not even notice I wasn't supposed to be there until 7 am. Once I did notice though, I debated for a hot minute as to whether or not I would rescind my PTO or just take it... and I took it. I put Hobbit on the bus and took the day to get the house back in order and just relax. I even inadvertently took a nap!

Tuesday, I received some unfortunate news but that is a message for a different day. Tuesday night is the blessing I want to focus on, and oh what a blessing it was! Hobbit was chosen to deliver her TEDx speech for the school competition. Now, to stress how much of an honor this was just to get to the school competition, let me outline the process really quickly. Each teacher has six classes and from those six classes, they had to chose two students - from their combined student total - to send to the school competition. So out of roughly 150 kids, the teacher could only nominate two to move on to the school competition. Hobbit was one of those two for her Language Arts teacher!

There appeared to be 4 6th graders, 3 7th graders, and 9 8th graders who earned the honor of presenting their speeches. The topic was "Taking a Stand"... and guess what...

My precious baby girl won 1st Place and is on her way to District presentations!

We are so stinking proud of her! One of the judges was a local news producer and she gushed over how poised, elegant, articulate, and fabulous she was. She said that Hobbit just blew everyone else out of the water, she was so magnificent. They said their awe was multiplied even further when they found out she was just in 6th grade! The Cambridge Director (prestigious program where the kids can take classes and work towards college credits from the Cambridge University in Great Britain) came over and asked why she wasn’t in the program and “oh by the way”, she was granted approval for her to go in for 7th grade (apparently unheard of - I overheard that all her teachers, the principal, and assistant principal all wrote letters of recommendations for her!). Her teacher and the assistant principal were fawning all over her after she won, telling her how proud they were of her, and how they knew how awesome she was but even they were gobsmacked over her presentation.

My little girl, who is only 11, beat out kids who were up to 13 years old! The other kids all applauded her and congratulated her. She cried because she hears all the time from us how smart she is (think Sheldon Cooper, that’s her - even down to missing the social queues) but to hear it from everyone else was just amazing to her. She said that maybe she should start believing how smart she is… and she really is… like, the highest you can score on the test for placement into the gifted program is 145… she scored 144 and once she explained her reasoning (in 3rd grade when she was tested), the person understood why she answered the one question as she did which prompted that question to be thrown out of future testing due to her “argument” of it being invalid. Although, being as she is, she’s been targeted by bullies and had a very rough go of it in school which this year has caused some challenges. So needless to say, this win was huge!

Wednesday I just enjoyed having the day off of work. I started a shawl with yarn that my best friend left for me to use. I am going to send it to her when I'm done. I have been working on it off and on, even during church this morning... church, wow... but I'll share that in a few minutes. I will, however, share the progress of the shawl right now though.

The pattern is Henslowe by Beth Kling and the yarn is Unisono by Zitron in colorway 1260.

I am interested to see how this yarn plays out. There is some burgundy in there as well that I just haven't gotten to but I am thinking it will be coming into play here soon when I finish that delicious chocolate brown.

Thursday and Friday were just blurred together for various reasons, some good and some not so good but like I said, I will share in time. To gauge how the day was, it required a lot of the following to help get me through...

I murdered some tea this past week. I got an electric kettle for the office so that helped. Sweet & white for the win, always.

Yesterday, Hobbit came down with a cold so I ended up going to visit my folks solo. Pokey stayed home with her and I got some Mama and Daddy time. The first thing we did...

It's still a little strange not seeing my beautiful blue locks!

I know, crazy right! Where is the blue?!? It's been there for over a year now - yes, a whole year I have rocked blue hair. I know it wasn't a favorite look for my mama or my husband, honestly, but it was something I needed to do for me. It was crazy and daring and did you know that the shade of blue I chose was the same as the ribbon color for social anxiety? I didn't either when I chose but I thought it was super appropriate afterwards. My natural hair color is more of an ash strawberry blonde but I didn't want to bleach my hair again so I went a shade or two darker with "natural light auburn" to make sure that the blue was covered and didn't pop out green. It took one bottle for my hair and two for my blue section but I think overall it looks nice. Just going to take some getting used to again.

Then I got to sit and knit with my mama before I had to leave to get back home. I had made a mistake with my shawl while I was anxiety knitting in Cracker Barrel waiting for my husband to show up on Friday night. I don't know what I did but I managed to make a perfect circular hole in a spot just left of center. I believe I may have knit and pulled it over without actually dropping the stitch. Either way, I couldn't figure out how to fix it so I brought it with me to show my mama who can fix anything.

"Here, you work on mine while I fix yours".

Yep, that's what happened. She handed me her yellow baby sweater and I knit on it while she frogged and picked up all the stitches back to before the mess up. I am not good at picking them back. I can fix a dropped stitch without a challenge but since there was nothing dropped, I was just lost. I was ripping it out slowly, thinking I might could put it back together but she offered so we traded. I love knitting with my mama. It is honestly one of my most favorite parts of any visit... just sitting quietly in the room together, my daddy reading and us doing some kind of handicraft.

That brings me to today.. and church. Man oh man, what a message. You see, I haven't found a church home in town so I started "attending" Lakewood Church. Yes, the Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas which is home to Pastor Joel Olsteen. I love his messages and I always walk away refreshed, renewed, and rejuvenated for the week. When Pastor Joel is away, Pastor John Gray steps in and man, that man is ate up with the Spirit, let me tell you! I watched service last night and Saturday services are relaxed. The messages are still good and on point but just more relaxed - jeans, etc. Well, I sat down for early service today with my knitting in hand and I was curious if the message was going to be different. It wasn't, actually. It was the same message but interestingly enough, while I did listen to it last night, I actually heard it this morning. As Pastor John said, I am in a moment and it is "the moment before the moment". My moment is coming but this is the moment before the moment when I should work on those little indicator light items so I am right and ready for my moment. Oh yes, I heard him loud and clear - to the point that I had tears in my eyes because he was hitting everything on the head for me. It is amazing what happens when we hear instead of just listen. Have mercy. So I plan on getting right and ready. Realizing it was 90% of it for me. Execution will not be easy but if I stay mindful, I will be alright. I know, it sounds cryptic right now and I am sorry for that but I promise, there will be a time when you will collectively go "oooooohhhhhh, I get it."

So that was my week. I am excited for this week. I really am. I am hopeful, expectant, and passionately positive about the road before me this week. It is mine for the taking and I plan on planting a sign in the middle of it with my name on it. Look out World, here I come!

Time flies

Today is the last day of my vacation. I got to spend it with my best friend in the universe. She is my family of choice, the sister I never had, and I proudly claim her at any time. You want to know how I know I had a good time - I hardly took any photographs! I was so "in" the moment that I forgot to capture the moments. I did snag a few so I thought I would share them...

This last one is full of memories. I picked her up from the airport and immediately took her to my favorite yarn shop, Four Purls in Winter Haven, where I had her pick out a skein of Malabrigo so I could make her a hat. She asked if I would make her one so I waited until she was here so she could pick her yarn - Memory 1. Then I spend the first night knitting the band so I wouldn't have to keep up with the pattern, even though it is an easy repeat, while walking around. We sat and talked most of the evening while I worked it - Memory 2. Then we headed to Epcot on her first full day with us where I knit on the hat as we wandered around, something she thought was weird/neat/odd/cool/just me being me. I got half of the body done - Memory 3. The day after Epcot, we headed over to the Magic Kingdom and I did the same thing. Knitting all through the park is just what I do so when she would look at me, I was looking and walking and knitting (without looking which she just thought was magical). I finished the body of the hat that day - Memory 4. The next morning, we drive Hobbit up to spend requested time with Nana. No knitting happened but I did teach her how to crochet by making a granny square! That Friday, we sat around and talked and watched Murphy's Romance. During the movie, I finished the crown of her hat and the pompom - Memory 5.

Now whenever she wears it, she will have it full of memories of her vacation with me and I hope it makes her smile. I know I had the best time. I may be tired now but I honestly couldn't have wished for a better way to be completely exhausted.

Life Lessons in Practice

You need to surround yourself with people who value you. That is a lesson I have been trying to teach our youngest daughter, Hobbit, for years. She, like me, has a very hard time making friends and is easily bullied or taken advantage of by people. Eventually she does see it and she is hurt, like anyone else would be in those situations. It's a difficult lesson to learn - and an even harder one to put into practice. Yesterday, unfortunately, proved to be a teachable moment in just such a lesson.

I had made plans with a particular "friend" who I was attempting to rebuild a level of trust and friendship with after it was severely violated by her and her husband. An explanation of his actions were given but an actual apology was never issued. I chose to excuse this, as given the life stories that have been shared over the years, I never got the feeling that she was ever made to apologize for her actions or behavior before in her entire 40 years on this planet. I simply assumed the concept was foreign to her but that was her attempt at it.

Our recent plans were made three weeks in advance. We were going to start back meeting weekly for knitting and talking. As any other human being on the planet, I do enjoy some interactions with others and since I had decided to give this person another opportunity to hold a place of value in my life - not easily done regardless of social anxiety levels - I made plans. The first meeting was last week at a coffee shop close to her home in a typical Florida outdoor mall complex. She actually picked up the tab for the coffee, a true first in our friendship. I said thank you and we sat outside in the shade under the awning inside their patio area. We talked and knit for a little more than an hour when my husband surprised me after he got off work earlier than we anticipated. It was a lovely surprise and always welcome. Before leaving, I double checked the plans for next week. They were confirmed and we parted ways.

Wednesday afternoon, I confirmed again that we were going to meet for coffee and knitting. This "friend" said that everything was a go. I reconfirmed that I would see her there and went about my day. Friday rolls around and we were to meet at 5 pm. Hobbit and I get there at 4:45 pm and find a nice place to sit. We have our drinks and we wait for her to show up...

I made everyone in the family coffee collars out of the leftover Malabrigo from our hats. They work on hot or cold cups!

 and we waited...

I frogged my Fading Pines Shawl that I was testing. I took a deep breath and restarted it too!

and after a full half hour had passed, I sent a text message to make sure everything was okay. The response I received was heartbreaking and hurtful... it simply read "I got sidetracked. I will get there when I can."

Wow. Way to make someone hear loud and clear that they are not of value to you. After all that this person has said and done, I did the one thing I was teaching my daughter not to do. I wasn't surrounding myself with people who valued me. I wasn't valuing myself enough to not allow myself to be treated as though I was an afterthought. This person asked if I was going to meet on the next Friday for a group we started together. Please note, I had already posted in that group weeks ago that I was not going to be in attendance because it was the first Friday of our Spring Break and I had my best friend coming in town on that Monday. I have also been talking about our plans and all that we were going to do in another group - both of which she is a part of and partook in these conversations as well. The response to my stating I would not be there... an angry face emoji. Yep, an angry face.

An. Angry. Face. She honestly had the nerve to send that to me because I was going to spend time with my family. Time that I had already made perfectly clear was blocked out for the past month or so... I can't even fathom how this person thought this was an appropriate response. This person coming in is my family of choice and I haven't seen her in 7 years. My "friend" knew this - or should have known - since I have been excitedly sharing details of it all for the past few weeks.

My husband had sent a text at that time and asked how things were going. He knows it has been rocky after the ordeal with her husband's abusive verbal attack on me and her not standing up to stop him or defend me. He knows it is hard for me to do this kind of thing period, let alone when someone has been treating me as badly as this person and her family have in recent months. I told him what transpired and he said I needed to leave. He said to meet him at Firehouse and we would have supper. So I did. I told my "friend" to not worry about it, my husband got off work on time and we were all going to supper. I told her to enjoy her weekend and left it at that.

Then I turned to my daughter and we talked. This was a prime example of putting a life lesson into actual practice. Hobbit has been front and center for this entire friendship which has spanned four years online via Ravelry and about a year and a half in person. She has seen the entire "in person" friendship first hand. She has been asking me why I was friend with a person who was so very self centered and ego centric. I told her that perhaps we were meant to be friends so that I could be the light in her dark corner of the world, shining to show her how to be a better friend. I honestly believed it. I thought she was meant to show me how to be more confident and I was meant to show her how to have more kindness and grace without an agenda. I was apparently wrong.

Hobbit and I talked about it and I was hit in the face with the only option that was acceptable. To practice what I preached. If I was going to tell her to surround herself with people who value her, then I should do the same. I cannot continue to make excuses for allowing myself to be treated horribly and as though I don't have any value but tell her to stand up for herself. I mourned the loss of what I had hoped our friendship would become when her husband verbally attacked me a few months ago. I tried to rebuild our friendship, as I thought perhaps she would be kinder and more aware of how her actions and words affect others around her, in hopes of her growing more gracious and kind. I had failed... so I did the only thing I could do... I let go.

I will not be mean to this person, as we still are in the same groups on Ravelry. I wish her and her little family of two all the blessings that God sees fit to bestow upon them. I have no ill will. People are who they choose to be and she has chosen to be the type of person she has become...

I simply choose to be a better person than I was... and I know I, just like everyone else in the world, deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, and be held in value by others. I know I hold others there so I simply wish for the same in return. If someone does not, then I will simply move on. People come into our lives for a reason - some for a season and some for a lifetime.

Her time was apparently only a season but I will always remember the lesson that she has taught me.

First Saturday

That's what I like to call today since I've been working four ten-hour shifts with Wednesdays off. I have "First Fridays" and "First Saturdays" which are very quickly followed by the standard Fridays and Saturdays. "First Saturdays" are generally for cleaning and errand running. Currently, I have four loads of laundry ticked off my list and during that time, I completed a hat.

Yep, that's two hats and two coffee collars so far this month. Not too shabby since I wrote out my game plan for the month. So far, I have turned in homework for DADA, Charms, Flying, and now Herbology.

Thotful Spot Hat is a pattern by Sarah Schira/Imagined Landscapes.

Next up, I am going to make some covers for two pillow forms that I picked up at JoAnn's with my mama. I am narrowing it down from a few cute granny square patterns that I have seen. Not really sure which version I like best but I am sure it will be in the grey and silver that I have in my box from my failed OWL. I over ordered so it's not a big deal.

Laundry buzzed. Time to fold it. Happy "First Saturday" of the week to you!

Sunday Snaps

Malabrigo madness around my yarn basket - Hobbit's Tutti Frutti hat and two coffee collars.

Making plans

It's the first of the month which means new prompts in my most favorite game on Ravelry - The Harry Potter Knitting & Crochet House Cup! This is the last month of the Winter Term so I need to go out on a bang since my February completely fizzled.

I have resigned to the fact that my OWL is a bust. While I do love working the Vivid squares and they are so very pretty, they are not fast for me... at least not as fast as I had hoped. I get pattern fatigue so that doesn't help either. I will continue to make the blanket but it will just take me a lot longer than I originally anticipated. I figure if I keep going, at this pace, I should have it done by Christmas at the latest. That really isn't bad if you think about it. I have a whopping 6.8 squares out of 56 done... only 49.2 to go!

I might be able to save my Mission. It's not been dormant for long and if I focus, I can grind it out. I am setting aside some time over the weekend to really go at it. I will love it once it is done - and I have plans to gift it to someone upon completion. So there is hope on this front, which is good.

Now, classes. I have eight opportunities to complete something for class in the month of March. They are creative and fabulous and wonderful labors of love from the professors. Here is a quick overview of what is being offered this month ~

1. DADA - To resist the Killing Curse, revive an old project by making it again. Rav crafts only.
2. Outdoor Survival - Option 1: Practice the bluebell flame spell and create an item that is more than 50% blue. Option 2: Gather materials for a fire: spin enough yarn for a medium sized project (200 yards+), dye yarn using several colors that will result in a variegated yarn, or knit/crochet an item that is made in pieces and then assembled (i.e. stuffed animals, hats with pompoms, sweaters etc). The item must be complete. Please no blanket squares or hexipuffs for this option. Rav crafts only.
3. Transfiguration - practice highly complicated spells that require a lot of concentration or has unusual/difficult construction. Difficult lacework, cables or colorwork. Amigurumis. Spinners, spin 3-ply, chain or braided ply. Weavers, weave using a complex pick-up pattern (sticks have to be removed and replaced) or a multi-shaft pattern with a long repeat. Dyers, use a multi-step process, acid dyes or indigo/vat dyeing techniques. Rav crafts only.
4. Flying - craft something that is inspired by the early efforts of flight (kites, hot air balloons, or mythical creatures mentioned) or craft something that is inspired by the speed of flight (smaller projects, bulky yarns, or projects that were crafted quickly. Please explain how the project is considered a quick project to you). Rav crafts only.
5. Herbology - craft something inspired by the Silver Lime tree. You may use any of its natural colors (grey, silver, green, or yellow) or the shape of its leaves (heart shape) or fruit (round). Rav crafts only.
6. Divination - be inspired by the close relationship between water, Neptune and fish. (Some ideas might include crafting something blue or the texture of the waves of the sea or scales of the fish.) Non-Rav crafts accepted if they fit the prompt. Prior approval not necessary.
7. Charms - please practice the Tea-making charm by crafting something in brown to represent tea or hot chocolate OR something that is related to tea (examples include but are not limited to teapot cozies, tea wallet, mitts to hold the hot cup). If you choose to craft in the color brown, the finished object must be at least 50% brown. Rav crafts only.
8. Ancient Runes - Craft something inspired by a Mayan rune, or something green and/or gold (over 50% of the project must be gold or green). You may choose a literal interpretation of the rune, like stuffies or an image of the rune itself. Or, you may craft an abstract representation of a Mayan rune. This is open to each crafter’s interpretation, but please be sure to explain how your item fits the prompt. You may also craft something the color gold to represent Mayan rune-inscribed gold, or use green to represent the jungle where the Mayans lived. Non-Rav crafts accepted if they fit the prompt. Prior approval not necessary.

Now, there is something about this game you should know - you only get base points for the first six classes that you turn in. The other two classes you can get professorial bonus points and yardage bonus points only so if you are going to craft for all 8, make sure your last two submissions are HUGE! After four years of playing this game, I have learned that there really is no advantage to posting to all 8 classes. You can maximize your points by crafting three large (400+ yards) classes and 3 small classes that have awesomely creative turn ins. Seriously, don't scrimp on photography and storytelling because they can make a ten minute toy hat really soar to incredible heights.

So, with that experience and logic behind me, I am going to make the following things for this month:

1. DADA - I am going to make another Tutti Frutti hat because I love that pattern and I have some awesome yarn that needs to made into one for Hobbit. Pokey and I both have one (I have two, actually), so she needs hers.
2. Flying - I am going to restart my Thotful Spot hat because I only managed to complete the ribbing and since there was no way I could finish 7" of hat and the decrease in one night after working a 10 hour day that started at 4:30 am, I frogged it. I plan on casting on once I'm done here so I can get back to where I was before I have to go to the parent teacher conference this afternoon.
3. Charms - I am going to make a coffee collar to keep in my purse for Starbuck days. I can whip this up super fast so I will do it first. Plus, I have a coffee date with my friend on Friday so I can use it then. I haven' decided if I am going to do my favorite crocheted one or my favorite knit one yet.
4. Herbology - I think I am going to make this awesome Scalloped Potholder and I can play off the round fruit aspect of the prompt.
5. Transfiguration - I can make several of the hexagons from this sampler blanket. They make great potholders... and since I did not like any of the patterns so far from the Knitterati Afghan-Along, I can use the yarn I bought for it to make this blanket if I can get them done fast enough. I purchased a combined total of over 6,000 yards of five different colors to make that blanket so it should work out well.
6. Divination - I can just whip up anything I wish in the color blue. Knowing me, it will probably be another hat or coffee collar simply because I can do them quickly.

So that's my plan. I hope that by writing out, I can a) remember and b) stick to it. Goodness knows, I do love a list. 31 days in March and a 9 day holiday! Granted, my best friend is flying in from Texas for Spring Break and we do have a few Disney days but I will still be crafting in the parks. Y'all know that is where I get the best hat knitting done. She's even asked me to teach her how to crochet so there will be dedicated crafting time to boot!

Just call me Alexander

That is how my day turned out yesterday. I seriously thought my name should have been changed from Amy to Alex. It was that bad. What was so bad, well, y'all remember how I was anxious about going to knit group? Normal for me but still, I shared and y'all collectively nodded. Well, here's how my evening went after I left...

Hobbit and I gathered up our stuff and toddled out the door. We jammed to Andy Black's The Shadow Side all the way down... our shared obsession usually falls in the music world - Hamilton, Panic! at the Disco, Andy Black. So we arrive right on time and claim the seating section that faces the window. A lovely long sofa and two wingback chairs with a fabulous barn wood coffee table between. I order us two hot chocolates and we set up camp to wait...

and we waited...

And no one showed up. Yep. No one. This is after I spent weeks gathering data on what days, times, and locations would work best for everyone. This is after I spent weeks making myself prepared for it because anxiety sucks. Not a single flipping soul who said they would come actually came.

So I sent a text to my husband and told him that, after over an hour of sitting and waiting, no one arrived. He said that I would not be remiss in packing my stuff up 30 minutes early and meeting him at Cracker Barrel for some supper. That's exactly what we did. Hobbit gathered up her gear and I mine, toddled our happy hineys to the truck, and left.

Comfort food is always a good idea when you've been utterly disappointed and you're crashing from anxiety. However, my comfort food was a bust too! Somehow, this supposed "cook" managed to take my chicken and dumplins and make the chicken over cooked and dry but the dumplins raw. Yeah. That takes a special kind of talent.

After wandering around the store and my husband buying the "most perfect turkey platter ever", we headed home. Jamming to Andy Black all the way and seat dancing. Once we got home, it was pj time and falling asleep watching "The Breakfast Club".

Overall, I can safely say with my hand on my heart, that it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Some days are like that... even in Australia.

I guess the question is why...

Why do I do this to myself? I want two different things and both ultimately make me happy and sad. Sound confusing? Welcome to my brain.

Today is the return date for my knitting group that I started. I started it because I wanted to have a group of people in my circle who like to do the same things I do. A group who won't look at me funny because I've always got knitting in my purse... that reminds me, I need to start a new project since I finished Pokey's socks... anywho... I wanted to find a few kindred spirits in this world who loved to play with yarn.

And...

I want to stay home. I don't like being surrounded by people I don't know and forced to be "on stage". My social anxiety plays a number on me inside, all the while I'm smiling and working on not passing out from fear or crying. My heart is racing. My mind is running a mile a minute and foggy all at the same time. Eye contact, oh for the love of Mickey please don't make me have to make eye contact with these folks. I don't know them!

But...

If I go, since I am the one who created the group after all, I will soon be surrounded by friends. People that I will look forward to seeing and hearing about their lives. It's down to once a month and it's on a Friday in the early evening. It couldn't be at a better time. Honestly, it won't be as bad I fear and they are probably just as nervous about it all as I am.

And yet...

I want to bail. I can stand knitting alone. I have all my friends on Ravelry to keep me company. I can talk to them while I knit. I've done it. We have even had hangouts and Skype knit nights. It was comfortable and fun.

So why... why do I put myself through this? I know I promised to do one thing a month that scared the stuffing out of me and brought me out of my comfort zone. This would qualify every time. I don't know why I inflict such things on myself. Probably because I know my social anxiety is illogical but I also know that logic doesn't play a part it at all. It's illogical to set up a group that you're afraid to go to but I did it anyway.

I guess the only reason is because I am afraid... I'm afraid of being a person who can't leave their house because "people". I'm afraid of being lonely and not having any friends who share my interests. I'm afraid of allowing the comfort of not going somewhere become a fear of going anywhere... and so, I'm afraid I'm going to head out the door to meet the group.

Wish me luck!

Because every post should have something yarny and delicious... My Fading Pines Shawl test knit and coloring book.

Early spring cleaning

I know, it's not even close to being Spring but I live in Florida so it's nothing like Winter around here. The highs are still in the mid-80s and it's disgustingly humid. I am hating every minute of it, honestly, and to add to it - our air conditioner broke today so I'm dying of heat with a bad back and just generally miserable. The repair man is supposed to be here tomorrow morning so we'll see how it goes.

In the interim, my sweet husband finished my vision for the front walk area. When we moved in, there were a few bushes but we have since learned that the wasps loved them and it made getting to the house rather adventurous for some of us. Here's what it looked like before...

You can see the little jungle behind her Hobbit. This was during the first week of school so five months ago.

Figures the only image I could find of it would be the one where the entire lawn looked awful. Hobbit will kill me for posting this one but it's all I've got to work with at the moment. You get the idea though, it was just a hot mess. Well, here is what it looks like now...

Look how sleek and clean it looks now!

Here is the full view of the finished product. I think it looks wonderful and he did just as I wanted.

I have no clue what kind of plants they are but I loved how bright and happy they were. They also looked hearty.

I have a brown thumb so I hope they survive being in my life but they look tough. The color is so bright, I love it.

So now that our front walk was done, I had to spruce up the front deck too. That meant an actual Valentine's Day wreath and some new cushions for the bistro set out front...

$6 at Jo-Ann Fabrics. You really just can't beat that - and it's sparkly so that's great too.

I had to kick two hineys out of them to get the shot. They are super comfy and really pretty.

The only thing I have left on my wish list is a way to create some shade up here so I can actually get more use out of the space. It's a nice area and we have great breezes so it would be good to use it more but currently, it sits in direct sunlight which is horrible when you live on the surface of the sun like we do.

I'm sure I'll find a nice umbrella and stand soon enough. In the mean time, I will continue to enjoy it during the early morning and evening hours. Our little house is coming along nicely.

It's dusty in here...

My gracious, it's amazing how quickly the dust piles up when you step away from a place for a bit. Let's shake some of the cobwebs off and tidy up, I believe it's time to get back to it.

How have you been? Good? I hope so. If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook, you know I have kept myself busy. I admit that my creative mojo for the writing side of myself just went on vacation. I honestly felt like I didn't have anything to say. It was an odd feeling, really. One minute I am writing and the next, nothing. It wasn't a "block", I just went through a spell where I thought most of what I thought was not worthy of the act of me putting pen to paper to share.

Whelp, today I am home sick... and I just felt like I had something to say. Not that I was home sick, that's not really newsworthy, but I had things that I wanted to share. I didn't make any promises to try last year, at least not any that I care to go looking for to see if I accomplished any of them and then write the mundane post stating I either did/didn't/fib and claim I did complete. This year, my only promise is to do one thing a month that scares me. Allow me to explain.

If you've been around for a while, you know that I have social anxiety/panic attacks. You also know that they annoy the snot right out of me. I know they are illogical but they are something that I cannot control. As John Nash stated, the brain is a muscle and it just needs proper training - I think that is how it goes anyway. So anyway, my goal this year - my promise to try - is about doing one thing a month that scares me... and in January, I did and today, I'm doing it again by writing this post. Two months completed, like a boss.

What did I do last month? I drove almost three hours to attend a workshop that I paid for to be taught colorwork techniques from Franklin Habit! When I saw that he was going to be at A Good Yarn Sarasota, I told my husband about it who said without blinking "Sign up and go. Ask your mother if she'd like to go and we'll get her a ticket to it too". Did you see what he did there? He was doing what he does best, looking out for me. You see, if I have at least one person with me then I can usually get through things that scare me. Without them knowing, they hold me accountable for showing up... for completely showing up... because I don't want to let them down. Long story short, my mama didn't want to go because it was too far for her and she's awesome at colorwork so it wouldn't have been of value to her. I bought my ticket anyway and had a month to prepare myself.

I made one of Franklin's patterns to wear when I met him. A quiet nod to a fangirl moment. The man is so very talented and I have been a follower of his career since way back in the days of his blog, "The Panopticon", so we're talking about 12 years or so. I had already learned so much from him so to be able to sit in a room and be taught by him was a dream come true. So I decided to knit up the Centura Tam and wear it. Living in Florida, you just never know what the weather is going to do in the winter but a tam is always fashionable and never too stifling.

While I was working on the tam, I was daydreaming about what the session was going to be like. I had never taken a workshop for anything before so it was uncharted territory. I knew we would be knitting in the workshop because we had to bring two contrasting skeins of yarn, size appropriate needles, tapestry needle, and pen/paper for notes. I finished my tam and had it blocked and ready to go a week before the big day. That was poor judgement on my part because now I had a week to worry. I packed my bag for the event and put it by the door with my tam... and I looked at it for 6 days and nights, in fear of the unknown.

The drive down wasn't bad. Class started at 10 am so I left the house at 6:45 am because it was a rainy morning. I made it an hour down the road and I pulled into a McDonald's, contemplating turning around. Instead, I told myself, "Take 5 minutes. Get some breakfast. You have plenty of time." So I did just that. When I was done, I got back in the car and continued down the road. I arrived almost an hour early because it was 1) early on a Sunday and 2) the weather kept most folks tucked inside where it was warm and dry. So I sat in my car for a few minutes and that old familiar feeling crept up. I started my car to head home because I couldn't go in there. I felt like I was going to die and tears were welling up in my eyes. I took a deep breath and told myself, "Get some coffee. Take  5 minutes at a Starbucks and get yourself a treat. If you still feel like going home, okay". So I did. When my order was up, I got back in my car and drove back to the yarn shop.

There I sat. I paid for this class. I wanted to go, I really did. I was just so scared. I ran through my checklist countdown, it helped a little. Then I made a deal with myself. If I went inside, I could leave after 5 minutes if I really wanted to. That seemed fair to me. I grabbed my stuff and toddled inside. I found a seat - front row, end closest to the door. I sat down and made note of the time. I didn't unpack anything, I just sat there... breathing and willing myself not to cry. A woman with the kindest face on the planet asked to sit next to me. I smiled. I couldn't speak for fear of crying so I smiled and nodded while I busied myself in my bag so I didn't have to look at her. My time was up. I made it 5 minutes and I didn't die.

I was getting up to go because it was just honestly too much for me that morning when in walks Franklin. The person I drove all this way to see and learn from. The person who I had been telling my friends that I would die to be able to spend just an hour sitting at his feet and learning how he makes such gorgeous things. He was here. Now. In the room. I was mid sit/stand and he just smiled at me, saying "Good morning". I'm sure I looked a fool. Right then, I told myself, "Okay, 5 more minutes and if you still feel like your heart is going to explode then you can leave".

I must tell you, I am very sneaky with myself because there was no way I was going to get up in the middle of one of the most creative soul's lessons and just rudely leave. I would be mortified and I would never forgive myself. I cut myself a lot of slack but not this time. So I got my stuff out and tended to getting myself organized for class with the renegotiated option of leaving during the first break - which ultimately turned out to be lunch at 1 pm. Okay. The halfway point in the day. Umm, yeah. I can do that. I will be knitting after all so it's not like I have to be a social butterfly and everyone is there to see him, not me. I can bet that no one will even remember that I was there - except for the sweet faced woman who sat next to me and kept talking to me which was incredibly difficult for me because I just am not good at small talk. I'm sure she thought I was an odd duck but she was kind enough to not make note of it directly to me.

The first lesson was underway and we all made great progress. Intarsia. Interesting technique - tons of ends to weave in! I like the result though. After that, we moved on to speed swatching colorwork in the round. This was fun and challenging. It was at this point that he offered us up a quick five minute break to stretch or do whatever... and he spoke to me. Now, if I was going to leave, this would be my prime time to do it because it was busy with people mulling about and no one would know... except Franklin, who was standing in front of me. Nervous and out of sorts, I blurted out, "I made your hat pattern" and whipped the tam off my head, shoving it in his face. He politely admired it and stated how he had never seen anyone make it before, complimented my stitchwork, and even honored me with this...

Franklin Habit and my Centura Tam in MadelineTosh DK, Night Hawk

I was horribly nervous so pardon the blurry photo. My hands were shaking but he was so kind. He even told me to be sure and tag him on my Instagram post - which I did and he liked it. By the time that was all done, we were back to work. I didn't have a chance to leave. I renegotiated back to my original lunch escape and got back to work on making sure my "smiles" were loose enough to allow my swatch to sit flat.

Lunchtime came and we had an hour. By now I was feeling a bit more comfortable, though eating in front of others always unhinges me. It has my entire life. What do you do with an anxious kid, stick her in a huge noisy room full of other kids who spend their days picking on her and force her to eat. Yeah, it was one of my worst childhood nightmares come to life in my adult years. To distract myself, I asked permission to shop in the store since it was closed. Sue, the owner, said that since we were there for the class that we could definitely shop in the store. I wandered around a bit because it wasn't my beloved Four Purls in Winter Haven so I didn't know how things were laid out. Then I remembered that Sharon had dyed exclusive colorways for them back when she owned Three Irish Girls so I went looking for them. I decided on two skeins of Octopus's Garden - even though it is grammatically incorrect and that drives me buggy.

Three Irish Girls - Octupus' Garden - Adorn Luxe Sock, 430 yards per skein

Yeah, I know I corrected it in the image caption because, I told you, it was grammatically incorrect and driving me buggy. I also picked up Franklin's coloring book "I Dream of Yarn", which he later autographed for me. I used it yesterday during long hold sessions and a conference call. It is fabulous!

After lunch, we moved on to finishing up our stranded colorwork and headed into garter stitch stranded, which is quite interesting. I have still not yet decided if I like it but I saw the possibilities of what it would be good for and they looked amazing on his sample. Before I knew it, the day was done. I made it! Here are the results of my day...

Clockwise from top right: Intarsia cabin, Stranded speed swatch pattern, and Garter Stitch Stranded pattern.

After the day was done, I went up to ask him if he would sign my book and he said “Of course, Amy - right?” We didn’t have name tags or do any introductions in the class at all - and even if we did, this was 7 hours later. He knew me from interactions on Instagram and Facebook. He had said that he always remember people by their names on Facebook and so some women he calls by their full names because they have it on there… then we laughed about my initials. He said that it was awesome to have them like that. When I was all packed up and ready to go, he was surrounded by a group of women and I simply smiled and waved, mouthing thank you to him, and he said “Goodbye, Amy. It was so nice to see you”.

Of course, once I got in my car and was parked back in the Starbucks parking lot down the road, I had a little cry because it was just too much anxiety for the day. The sweet faced lady next to me just kept talking to me and I tried to do small talk but, like I said, I’m not good at it… but I did it, I think. I hope. When I got home, I wrote Franklin a thank you note and then kissed my husband and my daughter and went straight to bed after a quick bite. I was completely spent!

The next morning, I posted my little swatches of courage on my bulletin board above my desk. They are there to remind myself that you never know what you are capable of doing if you just hang on for the next 5 minutes.

Here, Mojo... Where are ya, girl?

Have you ever lost your mojo? Be it at work, at home, or in your creative life? Yeah, me too. Actually, I'm currently sans mojo in several areas. I think it is because I am just bone weary and am in desperate need of a break. I won't be getting one any time soon so I have been looking for ways to recapture it. I thought I would share with you what I have been up to in order to find my elusive mojo.

1. Daydream - Yep, you read that right. Sometimes, when I have lost the juice that gets me going, I daydream about what I would rather be doing and then finish up so I can go do what I've daydreamed about. It may sound silly but it works some days. If I'm at work and I'd rather be baking a lemon loaf, I tell myself that if I can get "x amount" done in "x amount" of time, I can go do what I would rather do.
2. List It All - I love lists. They help me get things done. If I write a list, I get the joy and complete satisfaction of crossing said thing off of said list. Think I'm crazy? Try it. You will be surprised how excited you feel to look at your list that consists of things such as "make bed", "wash/fold/put away colors", and "cook supper" is completely scratched through.
3. Plan for Some Day - I do this a lot. I plan for that vacation that I can't take just yet. I order materials online, watch videos, and price out different scenarios. Sometimes, it just feels good to know that your dream vacation can be created even if you can't take it just it. Plus, it gives you a good idea about how much money you'll need which may spur you on in the work front.
4. Pull a Nike and Just Do It - Oh yeah, I have just grinded through things - chores, crafting, work - just to get it done and over with in hopes that the feeling of accomplishment will miraculously make me feel productive and regain my mojo. It rarely does but when it does, it generally spurs me on to bigger and better things.

So yeah, that is my little list of things that I do to find my mojo. I have tried a few of them this past week to get my sweet mojo back... they haven't worked but I did try. I plan on trying again on Monday because nothing says motivation like the definition of insanity per Albert Einstein.

What all do you do when you're mojo has gone on vacation?

Swap Etiquette

It's my own fault. I assumed people would put as much pride, thought, and consideration into the box coming to me as I put into the box going to my partner. I should have known better and yet, I continue to hold out hope that one day, I too will receive an awesome tailor made box.

So, I thought that perhaps the best way to do this would be to share my latest experience. This is not meant as anything mean spirited, and those who actually know me will understand this. It is simply informational.

To be a good swapper, you can start by actually reading the questionnaire filled out by the person you have been paired up with. I will use my own answers to help illustrate this aspect so as to not highlight others without permission to use their responses.

1. What kind of yarns/fibers do you prefer? If the person answers that they like items that are soft and squishy, accompanied by examples such as Three Irish Girls, Malabrigo, and Knit Picks then you should take heed. Sending scratchy, course yarn is not what the person said they enjoyed.

2. What are you favorite colors and combinations at the moment? Should the person answer that they love all colors but are really enjoying blues and greys at the moment, try not to send items in a rough acrylic yarn the color palette of animal droppings deep in the forest or poorly circulated appendages.

3. What is your favorite treat to eat? When the person lists two specific flavors - either combined or separate - then get those two flavors. This is cut and dry, whether you know me or not - peppermint and chocolate. It's in my name for heaven's sake. Any combination or separate will work. Hard sour candy in bitter biting flavors is not the same thing... at all.

4. What is your favorite hot beverage? Should the person answer that they love peppermint hot chocolate or decaf black teas, then that is what you should strive to find. French Vanilla is the antithesis of what was stated and herbal teas with flavors of maple (seriously, not kidding) apple cider or spiced cinnamon are nowhere near the mark.

5. Do you have any allergies? This is the most important one. Those of us with asthma and allergies clearly state that we have them. We do not try to be coy because we do not want to be sick. Yes, yes there are allergies. Severe allergies coupled with asthma. It is clearly explained that heavy scents can not be tolerated, as they will make me sick.. and yet, the items arrived with a stench so strong I was physically ill. Essential Oils, moth balls, and cedar are so pungent that the two skeins of scratchy yarn and the bag sent are currently living in the laundry room to "air out". It is doubtful that unskeining and soaking will help at all as the odor is still lingering in my living room even more than 12 hours after the fact.

The box you are creating is not for you. It is for the person who took the time to fill out the questionnaire. You could hate everything that you are putting into the box but if you know that it fits the bill to the person who is receiving it, that is the only thing that matters.

If you only take one thing away from this post, let it be this - a swap is not for you, it is for the person you receive. It is a moment in time where you do something selfless for the pure and simple reason that it will make another person happy. If you run a swap, don't defend the obvious bad swapper. Make it right. Talk to the bad swapper and let them know how they failed so they can be a better swapper in the future. Don't simply dismiss it and tell the person who received the obviously bad box that you are sorry it wasn't want the person had hoped for... all a swap participant should hope for is a box that was carefully created to make the recipient feel loved.

If you can look at the questionnaire and check off a few things that match what was stated by the person who is going to receive the box, then you have done a good job. If you can't, then your heart was not in the right place. As for the box of items I received...

The books are being donated to the library to bring joy to those who enjoy those kinds of books. The yarn is being donated to the Salvation Army stores, as is the messenger bag simply because I can not get the odor out of them. Hopefully, someone else will be able to gain some joy from them as well. The candy was given to my husband to try. The cocoa and teas were thrown out because no one thought they sounded good. The mug is in the cupboard and the deck of torn up cards was discarded. The cowl is being worn by Hobbit though I am going to throw it in the wash momentarily, in hopes of getting the smell out.

This was a disappointing week - both on a professional and personal front - and I was honestly looking forward to receiving a little box with a few treasures to brighten my day. Unfortunately, I did not receive that at all... I have never felt more unimportant or nonexistent. It is a sad but apparently fitting end to the week.

Here's to a better week ahead...