03 June 2011

Now What?

Oh my goodness, I feel a little lost.  My house is empty.  No one is here but me.  What am I supposed to do now?  I don't have the three hour after school pick up loop anymore.  I don't have to entertain anyone.  I truly am a bit lost.

My silly, beautiful, wonderful girls - I love you!
My house is usually noisy.  Not the bad "oh my word, I'm gonna kill someone if they don't shush up" noisy but the "full of life" noisy - chattering and giggles and music.  Now it's eerily quiet.  So quiet that I can actually hear the fan that cools off my laptop AND the air blowing from the air conditioning vent.  Ugh, I'm not sure if I'm going to make it six weeks like this.

Do you know that I am still in my pajamas - yes, sad but true fact I'm afraid.  I couldn't think of a reason to get dressed and dirty an outfit just to sit around and stare at four walls, periodically welling up through out the day over my current situation and lack of noises.  I should get dressed.  I will get dressed, if only to help defunkify my mood.

For all the times we mama's joke about how we wish someone would borrow our children for months on end and how much we would love it - it's all a lie.  My heart is broken into three pieces - one for Peanut, one for Hobbit and one for Pokey.  One piece comes and goes each day and I can rely on the fact that it will always return.  One piece will be returning home in less than two months... but one piece, that one single piece is the piece that is hurting the most.  That piece has "left the nest" as it were and I'm missing it terribly.  I cry, even now, when I think about that piece not coming home until Christmas. I miss that piece... very much - so very, very much...

Sorry, I had to take a moment and collect myself.  I can't stand crying.  It gives me a headache, be-speckles my specs and makes my nose stuffy.  I have heard that I would feel better if I just have a good cry but to be honest, have you ever been so sad over something that you fear if you let yourself wallow in it that you won't be able to get out... yeah, well, that's me at the moment.  It's best for me to recollect, dry the face, clean the glasses, blow the nose and move on as it were.

I know soon that I will fall into a routine but today, all I have been able to do is wander around, lost, wondering "now what?".

1 comment:

  1. Wish I could give you a big hug!

    Turn the TV on in another room, might give you a little of that noise you are needing.


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